Welcome to part 2 of the game of eX’s and sO’s. (part 1 is the entry before this, read it if you haven’t, though they don’t really relate to each other)
This entry’s a few weeks late, but it addresses what I look for when looking for a significant other.
People talk to other people in pursuit of a romantic connection every day. When you feel that connection, you know it, and you simply have to hope that they feel it as well. With people being as lost and unperceptive as they usually are, it’s amazing that so many people fall in love each day. Because of the difficulty of truly understanding another person, most relationships are short-lived or continue beyond their expiration date.
I’ve done some reading on relationships, because I get bored easily and the internet has a ton of stuff you can read about when you’re bored. There is a whole culture called the “Seduction Community” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seduction_community). What they do is write articles and posts about the right things to say and do to pick up women. Essentially, they have analyzed tons of women and created a system that you can use to “seduce” random women. These people actually look at love as a “game” to be played.
Reading some of the stuff, I’m sure there are a ton of guys who go “wow if I follow these guides, I too can pick up tons of women and have sex with them on the first date (called an f-close. they got all kinds of crazy acronyms that they use).” The thing these people don’t realize is that using these techniques doesn’t further yourself as a human being. If they’re looking for easy fucks and dates, that’s fine I guess. But if you have had shitty relationships before, and you follow a guide to meet more women rather than work on yourself, you’re still gonna have shitty relationships, just a larger volume of them. This stuff works for attracting women, because people follow very basic thought patterns and reactions. But just because it works, doesn’t mean you’ll get a good relationship from it. Ever wonder why the people who use these guides post up stories about the 50 different women they’ve dated? Because they can’t get even one of the 50 women they’ve dated to stay with them. Not that there’s anything wrong with dating 50 different women. Just saying, when you treat dating as a game, you’re looking for an insignificant other, not a significant other.
So, rule number 1. Treat love like a game, if you want it to be a game. Don’t treat it like a game, if you want something real.
I touched upon this in part 1, but we are ALL human and thus, we all share some pretty common wishes. We want someone we can talk to. We want someone we can trust. We want someone who will accept us for who we are. What many people don’t notice is that “personal taste” accounts for very little. 90% of the traits that make a good significant other are already established. Once we can identify what traits are desirable, how hard is it, theoretically, to seek them out or to build them up? Not very.
These list of desirable traits are built from what I look for in any person I want a close connection with. What you look for in a close friend should be the same as what you look for in a significant other. There are only a few traits that are weighted differently between preference with a close friend and preference with a significant other (looks is one huge one).
Consider these traits and their polar opposites (keep in mind many of these just involve un- in front of a trait):
Look at this list of traits and their polar opposites and it’s pretty obvious which traits are preferable. We’ve been biologically programmed to look for people that have these traits. Point me to one person who says their preference for a significant other is a “dumb, judgmental, untrustworthy” person and I’ll point you to a person who shouldn’t be dating (let alone, mating).
Besides this list of basic traits most people should strive for, there are many that boil down to personal preference. These are traits that different people find more or less desirable.
Creative, Sociable, Spontaneous, Generous, Religious, etc.
Some people like artsy girls. Some people don’t. But if you find a good-looking, funny, smart artsy girl, and you hate art, I’m willing to bet you’re gonna not care so much. Same thing with religion. Though in the long run, that subconscious objection is just gonna keep popping up and saying “yea, she’s great and all, but is she great enough that you will go against your personal beliefs for her?”
There are many people who can’t understand why they are constantly in crappy relationships or why they can’t find someone who will like them. I think this is because they either don’t realize that they don’t have many (or even any, in some cases) basic desirable traits, or they heavily weigh one trait, or they weigh their personal desirable traits too heavily.
Two traits that guys love to say they are is funny and intelligent. When women are polled, they usually list those traits as the most desired (though often, wealth is weighed at the same level as those two traits, but being rich isn’t really a trait). So guys try to be smart and they try to be funny, because they know that women like guys who are smart and funny. Unfortunately many don’t realize that the traits that aren’t listed are just as important. I’m not saying you can’t get a girlfriend if you’re an ugly, untrustworthy , moody, smart, and funny guy, I’m just saying that it’s far easier to be attractive (personality-wise) if you have less bad traits. Yea, people love a smart and funny guy, but how long can you be in a relationship with him when he lies to you or goes from happy to yelling at you at the flip of a switch?
This brings me to another point: weigh traits carefully. Look for a well-balanced person. Nobody’s perfect, and if you’ve been a relationship you should know this. Despite loving someone, you can clearly point out which traits of theirs are undesirable. Love helps you ignore these undesirable traits because your mind weighs their desirable traits higher. This is good, because the last thing you want to do when you’re talking to your significant other is notice every time that they are butt ugly. Don’t ignore a shitload of bad traits just because they’re the best looking and funniest person you’ve ever seen.
Now that we’ve gotten the logistics out of the way, let’s go into what I’m attracted to:
I’ve come to the sad, sad realization that I am a shallow mofo. I’m a good kind of shallow though. I don’t mean shallow like I don’t care about people’s personalities, but I mean I only approach girls that I’m physically attracted to. That doesn’t mean I won’t talk to anyone or look down on people. That just means that if you’re a 6 or higher, I’m more likely to be interested in talking to you.
And this is inherently negative. But it’s also positive at the same time. Let me explain.
Looks and personality are independent qualities. People don’t realize that looks and personality often have very little to do with each other. I’ve talked to ugly people with terrible personalities and then I feel quite bad because their genetics clearly screwed them over and made them complete undesirable in all ways. I’ve also talked to hot people with terrible personalities. Any initial attraction quickly dissipates. I won’t even buck a hot chick with a terrible personality because I feel like I would be positively reinforcing her for being a terrible person. You’re welcome world.
So what do I look for? Good looking people with good personalities. And being that you can’t judge a person’s personality before taking the leap and talking to them, I’d rather not waste time on people who I don’t consider good looking. Now you understand why I’m picky about looks. I use looks as the initial filter.
Because I’m metaphorically at the grocery store and I can’t tell if the oranges are good or not but I’m just looking at the peel on the outside. Some of the bruised ugly ones may be delicious, some of the nice looking ones are probably rotten inside, but I’m sure there are nice, perfect looking oranges that are delicious. Easier to take a chance on the nice looking ones and hope they’re not rotten.
Yes, I just compared women to oranges. I’m not objectifying women, I just love oranges.
The looks just get you in the door. Once you get past, you still have to pass the personality test.
Looks wise? I have very mainstream tastes. I rarely find a girl attractive when other people don’t think she is.
The little extras I like: earrings (multiples), tattoos (some, but not an excessive amount), wavy/curly hair, dyed hair (I like red), glasses. A girl doesn’t have to have any of these, these just bump her up and make me more excited to find out if she’s a terrible or an amazing person.
Personality wise? The number one thing I can’t stand is non-open-minded or judgmental people. “But Viet, everyone is judgmental sometimes”.
True, but I’m probably one of the least judgmental people I’ve ever met so homey just don’t jive that way. I like people who don’t want to force their opinions or viewpoints onto other people. I’m very vocal about my thoughts and opinions, but I really don’t care whether you have the same thoughts or opinions as me. I’m just going to go ahead and explain my reasoning to you as logically as I can and you can formulate your own ideas. I’ll also listen to anything anyone has to say even if I don’t agree. My life philosophy: Work to understand people even if I don’t agree with them.
Open-mindedness ties into the same values. People who shoot down ideas without considering them. People who will assume they won’t like something before trying it. People who believe they’re better than other people because other people do things differently. No bueno.
Side note: I hate when people word their questions in a negative form. “Is that place even good?” Uh, if you’ve never been there, then don’t word it in a negative form! “Is that place good?” is the correct way to ask someone a question without negative connotation. Then I’ll tell you “No, the tacos tasted like dog feces wrapped in a wet diaper”. If I have a negative opinion, I’ll share it. I don’t need you to coerce me into a negative response!
Another thing I like: People I don’t have to explain things to. I try not to reference anything too obscure but I do throw a lot of references around. I don’t expect you to know all of them, because I have a really good memory and I like to reference random stuff. But if I have to explain basic things to you all the time, it gets kind of tiring.
I like honest, open people. I am a super honest person. I have never told someone I’ve liked them when I don’t. I used to be brutally and negatively honest where I would point out people’s flaws and I believed that just because I was being honest it was OK. Nowadays, I hold my tongue if I don’t have something nice to say just because most of the things that I point out are things that people probably can’t fix just because I point them out. I’ll still point out things if I believe they’re fixable qualities though.
In a relationship, if I don’t tell you there’s anything wrong, that’s because I don’t think there’s anything wrong. A lot of people will just hold their ideas of what’s wrong with you in their head until they’ve built up a shitlist of things they don’t like and then they’ll dump you. Shit’s annoying. If you don’t like something about me, tell me. I’m not gonna be offended since I probably can understand why you’re annoyed by it and I may even work to change it!
Don’t expect me to lie. If you’re fat, don’t ask me if you’re fat. Odds are, you’ve looked in a mirror and you can tell whether you’re fat or not. Never dated a fat chick, but just cause you’re fat doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love you. You can ask me if I love you, and I’ll answer honestly. Just don’t ask me if you’re fat and expect me not to answer honestly. I expect the same honesty from whoever I’m dating.
Trustworthy people. I am a trustworthy person. I am also a very trusting person. I’ll trust whoever I’m dating completely. You can talk to whoever you want, go wherever you want. We are adults. You should know what’s wrong and what’s right. Betray my trust, and that’s it. You can get a little back, but you ain’t gon get the whole thing back. Likewise, you can trust me. If you ask me where I am, I’ll tell you where I am. If you ask me what I’m doing, I’ll tell you what I’m doing. I love when people say it’s easier to lie than to explain a compromising situation. I can be in a compromising situation and you can trust me not to mess up. Bitches all over the place with their titties all over my face, I still ain’t gon do nothing with them if I love you.
So why did I write this long ass entry? Why did you even read this long ass entry? Because I think I’m awesome, and I want you to understand that I’m awesome. You probably have some inkling of why, but you haven’t fully comprehended what makes me awesome:
I’ve told you what people look for in a significant other, and what I look for in a significant other, and now it’s to evaluate myself, much as you should evaluate yourself before you decide to date anyone.
I am trustworthy and loyal. Anyone close to me should know that I have your back till the end. I’ll take a bullet for any of my friends even if I’m not that close to them. I’ll never talk behind your back or tell you one thing and do another. I won’t lie to you. Ever.
I’ll never judge you for what you do or who you are. I may not agree with everything, but I’ll try to understand where you’re coming from.
I’m funny. I did stand-up comedy in college. I was class clown in middle school. I got a quick wit. I don’t take life seriously so I’ll bag on myself but don’t think for one second that I don’t like myself in any way.
I’m smart. I don’t mean I’m smart as in I get good grades or I’m smart cause I went to a UC. I mean I understand things quickly. I remember things. I’m conversant about many subjects.
I’m good looking. Not in a way where I walk into a room and everyone turns to look at me, but in a way where if I look into your eyes and I give you a genuine smile, you can’t help but feel a little happier.
I’m not moody. I don’t have bad days. I don’t get stressed. I’m cool as a cucumber that’s been chilled in an ice bucket.
I’m decisive. I ain’t no wishy washy bitch. Someone’s gotta take the reins and I’ll take them!
I’m confident. Growing up I was made fun of all the time. People made fun of my clothes, my hair, my looks, my bald spot, my name, my ethnicity, my Barney socks, my voice, my interests. Guess what? I still thought I was the shit. I looked in the mirror in middle school and I thought to myself “Why do people make fun of me? I’m awesome. I also think I’m pretty good looking”. Then I started really believing it and then I realized that many people like to put other people down to feel good about themselves. I feel good about myself because I like myself. And that makes anything anyone says about me irrelevant, and that gives me all the confidence I’ll ever need in the world.
So now this shit’s on the internet, and anyone who ever had the slightest interest in dating me can read what goes on in my head and decide whether it’s worth it or not to date a hyper-analytic motha f. A hyper-analytic motha f who is trustworthy and honest, who loves life and doesn’t judge people, who’s funny, smart, and loves to write about himself. Apparently I’m into verbal masturbation.
Just know when it comes to dating/relationships, I don’t play no games. If you want to play games, find someone else cause I ain’t gon play them with you. Unless you’re talking about XBOX 360, cause I love my XBOX 360.
I don’t need to lie to you to impress you. I’m not reading up on shit you like or rehearsing jokes to tell you. I actually know that stuff naturally. I’m not gonna judge you when you tell me something about yourself so don’t lie about yourself to impress me. Don’t be anyone but yourself. If you are an impressive person, then I will like you. If you talk to me, you will probably like me.
TL;DR: Improve yourself, and people should like you. Thanks for reading if you did read all of this. I know it was obscenely long.