Long post alert, bookmark it if you don’t have time to read it in one sitting. I’m gonna split it into two parts:
Part 1: The eX’s
Part 2: The sO’s
Here’s part 1!
Some time in November, I threw an insane party at my house dubbed Black-out Friday. If you weren’t there, you missed out. If you were there, you should know I don’t call it insane for nothing. Yea, I’m pretty awesome at throwing parties. If you didn’t have fun, you did something wrong.
I invited a ton of people whose companies I’ve enjoyed over the years. Because of the number of people I invited, I also ended up inviting people who I’d befriended while they were a couple and who were no longer a couple. I’m not naming names, but y’all know who y’all are. After the party, I found that these ex’s were texting other people at the party to ask whether their ex was at the party or not so they would know whether or not to go. Once confirmed that their ex’s were there, most politely texted or messaged me to tell me they wouldn’t make it. This was my first look into what life after a break-up is like.
At that time, I also invited Pamela to the party, because ALL of her friends in San Jose were invited and I’m a thoughtful person like that. I didn’t think it would be awkward, since we had been broken up for about two months. When she politely declined, I thought nothing of it. I may not think it would be awkward, but if she would, I could see why she would decline.
At the party, Paul commented that she probably didn’t go because she had another guy. I hadn’t even considered that possibility, thought she did tell me part of the reason she was breaking up with me was because she started taking an interest in someone else.
One point I’d like to make: People usually have someone else in their lives when they break up with someone. If you’ve never thought about it, prepare to have your mind shattered. People do not like being alone. This is a fact. Thus, people in relationships will keep chugging along even if they are unhappy, until they can guarantee that they will be happier with someone else. Yea you may not be as happy as you’d like in a relationship, but you still have someone to tell your crap to, to eat with you, to hold you, and to “be intimate with”.
I think this is one of the biggest issues with relationships nowadays and part of the reason divorce rates are so high. When you no longer evaluate a relationship based on how happy you are and how happy you want to be, you lose sight of what a relationship really is. A relationship is a mutual partnership. You both play your part. If one person is slacking, you either work to correct the issue, or you drop the partnership. A relationship is not a halfway home til you find greener pastures.
I have a very laissez-faire attitude when it comes to life. There are very few things in this world I find reprehensible. One thing I absolutely hate is people pursuing people who they know are in relationships or people currently in relationships who pursue other people.
I have realized that the odds that anyone will break up with someone with no fallback person is extremely unlikely. If you have ended a relationship with someone for other reasons before, kudos to you. For everyone else, all I ask is that you try to follow these two simple rules:
1. Do not talk (romantically) to girls in relationships.
2. Do not talk (romantically) to girls when you’re in a relationship.
The reason I bring this up is because I’ve been talking to my parents about their friends who “stay together for the kids” or don’t want to get a divorce when one person is sleeping with someone else and the other person is crying every day. The kids are near geniuses, but rarely laugh because their parents are constantly fighting.
At that point, are you even in a relationship anymore or are you in a hollow shell because you’re too scared to venture out to see what could make you happy? A reversal of the statement that most people break up when they have someone else in their lives is that most people DON’T break up because they don’t have someone else in their lives.
Reminder: evaluate your relationship based on how happy you currently are, and how happy you could be. This does not mean you go try some other guy’s dick to find out if it makes you happier. I mean think about it objectively. Would another guy’s dick make you happier than the current dick you have? Please note that in most cases there will be a fully formed male attached to those dicks as well and you should take that into consideration. If the answer is yes, then end the relationship.
These are the thoughts that I formulated through catharsis after many months. At my post at the beginning of the year, I said, and I quote: “I think that if I started dating girls, they will fall in love with me and want something more serious than I can give them at the moment. This actually is a huge scare for me because I don’t want to mislead anyone or hurt them by asking them out and dropping them.”
Well I can finally say with 100% confidence (the only kind of confidence a confident mofo like me is happy with) that I am ready to date again and anyone I date will be given a fair chance. No baggage. No bullshit.
Judy asked me sometime in January if I was “over” Pamela. I replied that I’m pretty sure I was, but I’m not sure what being “over” someone exactly entailed. Wrong answer. If you’re over someone, you know it. In January I no longer thought about her but on those random days when a thought of her would pop into my head, I would think to myself “I wonder if she still thinks about me randomly like this”. Now what do I think on the random days when a thought of her pops into my head? “I hope she’s doing as well as I am”. I must say, after a month or two of being single, I was already 80% over here, but the final 20% is the small part that you don’t realize is even there. That small part of you that still holds onto the illusions that what you had was almost perfect and that someone had just made a small mistake that they shouldn’t have.
It takes a certain time away from a relationship before you can look at it objectively. It’s actually quite funny how people come out and share some of their judgments on your relationship after you break up. Out of respect for your friends, you obviously can’t just tell them if you think their current partner is no good, but once the relationship ends, the gloves are off. To everyone who shared with me their opinions, I appreciate your candor and while I fought with myself a little bit because I didn’t agree with what you were saying, I now see clearly that you were mostly right.
I look at the positives in people and try to weigh them more than the negatives. This is especially true for someone I date. It’s dangerous, because I don’t see the bads before it’s too late. But I won’t stop doing it.
When I love someone, I give myself to them completely. I am there for them no matter what. If they kill someone, I’ll buy the shovel myself and look up good spots to bury the body. (well… I’ll have to rethink that situation if I’m ever in it, but you get the idea). The more we give, the more we can lose. To trust someone completely is to open yourself to being hurt. You let them know that they can crush you as easily as they can step on an ant and you simply trust that they won’t do it. It’s both naive and necessary.
That concludes my short (lol) rambling about some ideas I had after a breakup.
Come back tomorrow (or the day after), when I regale you with my musings on what I bring to the table and what piques my interest dating-wise.