Love aka Voluntary Insanity: “And after all, you’re my Wonderball” (pt 1)

People have been asking me when I would blog again so I’m just gonna sit down and try to pull this stuff out of my brain. It’s certainly been a while and I’ve been ruminating on everything I’ve wanted to say for a month so let’s get started. It’s 1 am and I have work tomorrow but I’m gonna type until everything’s out. EDIT: It’s 2:30 am just realized I hit 1500 words and I’m only 1/3rd done with what I have to say. I have to fully flesh out all these ideas so I promise to post an entry every night until I’ve fully covered everything. Hope that makes up for not blogging for so long.

Let’s talk about how much dating sucks and how much love rocks.

From elementary school through high school the way you got into a relationship with someone was fairly simple. You talk to them for a bit. You feel an unexplainable attraction. The attraction builds and then you get together. The attraction fades and you break up. Sometimes in 7 days. Most commonly 7 weeks. On occasion, 7 months. And in some rare cases, 7 years. Well for me, it was 7 years. While in a 7 year relationship, I was happy. I was happy for about 6.9 of those 7 years. I made a very active choice to maintain a long-term relationship when I graduated high school rather than breaking it off and testing the waters in college. But while in this long relationship, I started wondering “Am I missing out on the adult version of dating?” You see, I got into a relationship from the kids version of dating, which is pretty much meeting someone you get along with and then hanging out with them long enough for your hormones to take over.

This is markedly different from the kind of relationship you see in TV shows and movies where a kid goes up to someone at school and asks them to go on a date. Or an adult goes to any random setting and sees this random beautiful person and something quirky happens and they end up talking to them and wow it turns out they’re so cool and then they go out on a date. Then on their date they find out this person’s actually crazy or that this person’s out of their league but really likes them or something equally entertaining happens. Sitcoms make it seem like this is a common occurrence. That shit don’t happen in real life.

I finally got out of my relationship and I was intrigued by the idea of entering this magical world of “casual dating”, which I imagined to be like a somewhat toned down version of the dating that you see on these tv shows and movies. Damn was I mislead. We were all mislead.

Casual dating is honestly the worst activity in the world. Let me introduce you to the Wonderball of Dating.

mywonderball

You know what a Wonderball was right? I’m pretty sure the product was designed just to bring the catchiest jingle possible to life.

Basically it was a hollow chocolate ball that had candy/stickers or toys inside. So what do Wonderballs have to do with dating?

Every new person that you go out on a date with is another Wonderball. First time you go out on a date with a new person, it’s fairly exciting. You get to talk to this brand new person about yourself and you get to talk about yourself in any way you want. In my case, I have roughly 25 years of life experience that I can talk about. Which part of my 25 years of life do I want to talk about in the allotted 1-4 hours on the first date? Which part of their life do I want to find out about in those 1-4 hours? The first few dates (and the texts in-between) are basically the unwrapping of the Wonderball foil and nibbling at the outer shell. “Oh I wonder wonder who a do a ooh. What’s in a Wonderball? Who knows what surprises a Wonderball can hide?” Goddamn you’re excited. And then you finally get through the outer exterior of the Wonderball. You finally find out what major they studied in college. What they do for work. How many siblings they have. Where they’ve travelled to. You get through all of that to finally get to the good stuff inside. Who they are as a person. Their dreams. Their fears. Their beliefs.

And lo and behold there ain’t jack inside. It’s some motha fuckin bullshit ass 101 Dalmatians sticker. You wanted Lion King and you got 101 Dalmatians. No one wants 101 Dalmatians! You go out with someone and you take the time to find out all the small stuff about them, and then you figure out that the real person inside is not that great. You recover. Plenty of Wonderballs in the sea, right?

So you go out with another person. And another person. And each new person you go out with, you have to unwrap another Wonderball and you have to eat through the chocolate shell to really find out what’s inside. You have to find out each person’s major. What school they went to. Where’d they grow up. You have to essentially get caught up on someone’s life. Only then do you get to find out whether or not you actually like this person. There are some ok people. But do you want to settle for Toy Story when you know you’d be happier with Lion King? Sometimes you meet someone really great, but just not for you. I can understand and appreciate Beauty and the Beast, but it’s not one of my favorites. This can drag on and on. You eat so much chocolate you get sick of it. You’re so sick of eating chocolate that you just stop eating for a while. On occasion it gets worse though. You go on a date with someone and you’re unwrapping the foil and you take a bite. Nope. That was not chocolate. That shell was made of shit that just happened to look like chocolate. The person you just went on a first date with is just an overall shitty, terrible person that you want nothing to do with. But you still gotta sit there and find out what school they went to and why they chose their major. And how many brothers and sisters they have.

So what have people turned to? Online dating is the billion dollar industry here to free us from all this bullshit. Only it’s not. It just enables us to continue gorging on Wonderballs.

I have a female friend who went on 60 OKCupid dates. Of those 60, there were 15 second dates. Of those 15, there were 3 third dates. None made it to the fourth. Yes, it’s somewhat strange that she spreadsheeted her dates, but I love hard evidence so I gotta thank her for being so wonderful in providing me with details.

Why is there such a sharp drop-off? Because the majority of people in this world are not worth dating. Online dating doesn’t change the ratio of shitty people to good people. IT just increases the number of people. If your biological clock is ticking and you want to expedite the process, online dating works. You just have to wade through all the crap. I’ll explain the alternative that I prefer in the next entry.

I imagine that the creator of Tinder saw this and said “Fuck it. It’s hard to find real connections through online dating anyways. Let’s just go for quantity over quality”. Adult dating pulls a #throwbackthursday and brings back a technique from elementary school. Remember when you would pass a note to someone cute that said: “Do you like me? Circle Yes or No”. This time, it’s “Do you like me based on my carefully crafted profile showing my adventurous side and love of animals and food and how I look from my best angles? Swipe Right or Left”. The problem with Tinder is that there’s nothing established with how you’re supposed to use it. Some people use it to find someone to hook-up with. Some people use it to go on casual dates. Some people actually want to find love on it. Not sure what’s worse: trying to have a one-night stand with someone who wants to get married or trying to marry someone who just wanted a one-night stand.

So basically, I wondered and now I know. The adult world of dating is the worst. I’m sorry for me and for everyone else who has to go through it.

That’s the end of part 1. Come back tomorrow night when I make the distinction between casual dating and relationships, gush about why true love is really the most wonderful thing in the world, and explain why you act like an idiot whenever you’re attracted to someone.

3 Comments

  1. Curious friend of a friend
    September 27, 2014
    Reply

    Do you ever ask out (to spend time with, not necessarily on a date) girls you aren’t attracted to? Perhaps because you need an activity partner for an event and would like a break from being around the dudes. And if so, do you go about the invitation differently?

    • September 30, 2014
      Reply

      Yup I do “ask out”, or more accurately, I do invite girls I’m not attracted to do stuff. Lunch, movies, and concerts are all things that I’m comfortable inviting people to on a 1-on-1 basis. The thing is, I’m only comfortable inviting girls if we’ve been friends long enough that I can show that I’m not romantically interested.

      I don’t invite female friends to some events that I would enjoy going to, just because of the intimate setting. I’d hate to send a mixed signal accidentally. Going on a 1-on-1 trip somewhere, watching a musical/theatrical show, or going to a weekend public event all fall under that. Sure, I would actually really enjoy watching Wicked or going to the county fair with anyone (though most dudes would not be down for going on a 1-on-1 outing to anything like that) but it’s way easier for someone to catch feelings when you hang out in that type of setting, and the last thing I would want to do is to have someone catch or build on unrequited feelings.

      To answer your question, I invite these friends the same way I would ask someone out. The difference is in the timing of it, which I feel is a really easy guideline to follow that a lot of people just aren’t aware of.

      If I have only met you a few times and I ask you to go somewhere with me, I’m asking you out on a date. If we have been friends For a while and I invite you to something we have mutual interest in, it’s not a date. Lastly (and most importantly), what I’ve started doing when I do want to ask someone out who I’ve established a friendship with is explicitly ask “do you want to go on a date with me?”. This is usually where there’s the most muddiness regarding intentions so I just like to throw it out there directly.

      Also another rare situation is if we’ve both explicitly stated that we are not attracted to each other (and we’re sure if it). Then I’m pretty comfortable doing any activity.

      The distinctions stem from:

      1. Me already having enough friends (male and female) that I can hang out with
      2. My egotistical assumption that all girls would enjoy going on a date with me
      3. My desire for truth and openness when it comes to intention

      Hope that answers your questions and thanks for reading :)

  2. January 23, 2015
    Reply

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