Stay out my damn theatre

So I got a Moviepass for $20 a month which lets me watch one movie in theatres per day without paying for a ticket.

What that means is I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately. I’ve also been watching movies by myself, because ain’t nobody gon pay to watch all dem movies with me. Before I got Moviepass, I had never watched a movie alone before.

But then, why do you need to watch a movie with another person anyways? You’re both just staring at a screen in darkness. The few times watching a movie in theatres with another person is worth it:

1. You want to share food. Popcorn and soda is frickin expensive.
2. You want to do some hanky panky in a dark theatre. This was cool back when we were kids, but nowadays, I have a room for hanky panky. It’s called the damn bedroom.
3. You want to go go eat before or afterwards with the people you’re watching the movie with.

Advantage of watching by yourself? You can find seating hella easily. Even in a packed theatre, people love to leave 1-seat gaps because they don’t like sitting next to a stranger. That tight gap is perfect for me to squeeze in. That’s what she said.

So far I’ve watched Here Comes the Boom, The Man with the Iron Fists, Skyfall, Wreck it Ralph, Perks of Being a Wallflower, Argo, Cloud Atlas, and most recently (yesterday), Life of Pi.

Lemme just say, Life of Pi was the worst movie theatre experience I’ve ever had. Don’t get me wrong, the movie itself was amazing. I saw it in 3D and it was such a great visual experience. The problem was with the people in the theatre.

There was a lady who brought her kids. I didn’t see them, but they sounded young. Maybe 2 or 3, because they were making babbling nonsense noises throughout most of the movie. This, I kind of understand, because kids are just annoying as hell, but it’s not their fault. I’d try to get a babysitter or something but babysitters are expensive sometimes. Plus, just because your kids are annoying as hell, doesn’t mean you should cease being able to enjoy life (ie. watch movies). I can relate, because sometimes my dog is annoying as hell and won’t stop barking at people. It’s a pain in the butt, but that don’t mean I’m gonna stop bringing my dog out.

Then there was the old white couple (50-ish, which I find to be the perfect age range to strike the ultimate balance between being an ornery old person and a dick-ish middle aged person) behind me. Why do I point out they’re white? Cause I like to stereotype and I find that a lot of white people love to do the shit that they did. They make comments to each other throughout the movie, and then they make comments about how annoying that lady is for bringing her kid. Hello? You’re making noises one row behind me, complaining about someone else making noises. You are doing the same thing the little kid is doing, except your brain is more fully developed so you have no excuse.

Towards the end of the movie, the lady with the kids brought her kids with her to leave the theatre, and the man behind me starts CLAPPING. As if he felt that everyone in the theatre would appreciate this gesture of gratitude that this lady was leaving. More on this later, but why do men love big gestures of self-gratification? He probably thought he was doing all of us a huge favor by clapping. No. I’m tryna watch the damn movie so any noise is bad noise. You adding to the noise not only makes you a huge asshole, it also makes you a hypocrite.

Turns out, the lady wasn’t leaving. She got a call and she was waiting in the area to the side of the theatre with her kids. So the woman behind me says loudly “oh for goodness sake” and got up and walked over to the lady with the kids on the phone. She starts yelling at her super loudly so the whole theatre could hear (which happened to be during a pivotal monologue scene where Pi is explaining a big part of the ending. Good thing I read the book cause I missed like half of what he said.) She yelled at her “You need to leave your kids at home. Aren’t you embarrassed at yourself?!” Then she went back to her seat all high-and-mighty.

But, worse than all this was the three wannabe gangsta-dressed late 20’s guys sitting in the front row who were either high, drunk, assholes, or some combination of those 3. Like I said, for some reason men have a propensity for large gestures of self-gratification. Throughout the whole movie they made comments, not to each other, but just to anyone who could hear them. They tried to crack jokes the whole time. No one laughed.

Here are the times it’s appropriate to crack jokes during a movie:

1. When you’re at home

Here are the times it’s appropriate to crack jokes during a movie when you’re not funny:

1. Never

I hate unfunny people when they try to make other people laugh. It’s like an ugly person who acts like they’re good looking or a stupid person who thinks they know more than you. You know when you see it and it makes you both sad and repulsed.

So, I rarely use such language and I rarely have a bad experience with anything, but fuck those people.

I’m going to watch movies on weekdays in the daytime so I reduce my chances of running into a similar situation again.


  1. Q
    November 27, 2012

    well well well… looks like im not a weirdo for watching movies by myself at the theatre all these years after all EH

    • vietiscool
      November 27, 2012

      Well you’re still weird. This particular situation doesn’t necessarily have to contribute to that weirdness.

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